With apologies to Isi

[karohemd]

Daily Zen

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
3. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
4. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone £20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. Don't squat with your spurs on.
13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
14. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
15. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
18. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Comments

[zenmeisterin.livejournal.com]

:-P

Good ones, these!

[robinbloke.livejournal.com]

Bumper stickers... sort of similar, mostly funny :)

1. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
2. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
3. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
4. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
5. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
6. So you're a feminist... Isn't that cute.
7. I need someone real bad... Are you real bad?
8. BEAUTY is in the eye of the beer holder.
9. All men are idiots... and I married their king.
10. The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
11. I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice): We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
12. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
13. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
14. Out of my mind... Back in five minutes.
15. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
16. Hang up and drive.
17. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
18. NEBRASKA: At least the cows are sane.
19. God must love stupid people... He made SO many.
20. I said "NO" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
21. Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
22. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
23. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
24. Where there's a will... I want to be in it.
25. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
26. Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
27. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
28. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
29. Always remember you're unique... Just like everyone else.
30. HONK If You Want To See My Finger
31. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
32. God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
33. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
34. I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
35. Keep honking while I reload.
36. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
37. Who were the testers for Preparations A through G?
38. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
39. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
40. EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
41. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
42. If you can read this I can hit my brakes and sue you.
43. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
44. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
45. Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
46. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or something like that.
47. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
48. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
49. If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
50. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!