Reaction from the Queen
3 Nov 2004 11:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
karohemdThis is four years old but just as current now, sadly:
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
We will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt Hon Tony Blair for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded, although friendly Senators may be given peerages and admitted to the House of Lords. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. You will include the correct number of vowels in all words.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. Initially, it would be best if you played association football with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You will stop playing the game you call baseball. It is a silly game based on rounders, a game played in English girls preppie schools. Our girls tend to give up playing rounders at age 14 when they start going on raves and get a life. Instead, you will learn to play cricket.
8. You will declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde.
9. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Elizabeth R
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
We will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt Hon Tony Blair for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded, although friendly Senators may be given peerages and admitted to the House of Lords. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. You will include the correct number of vowels in all words.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. Initially, it would be best if you played association football with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You will stop playing the game you call baseball. It is a silly game based on rounders, a game played in English girls preppie schools. Our girls tend to give up playing rounders at age 14 when they start going on raves and get a life. Instead, you will learn to play cricket.
8. You will declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde.
9. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Elizabeth R
